Panacea for Pakistan

My head imploded last night when I received a call from my dear cousin in the boonies outside of Toronto. Sri Lankan cricketers were attacked in Lahore.

Religion is literally destroying Pakistan and Pakistanis. The ever-increasing evidence that Pakistan is falling in the hands of zealots is akin to Germany falling in the hands of fascist Nazis.

Pakistan is rapidly becoming a country being overrun by zealots and imbecile politicians. The latter will soon be run over by the former.

Let's perform a root cause analysis.

Responsibility lies with, in the following order:

1. Allah
2. Army
3. America

Now you might say that this is highly unoriginal and it is. Numerous writers and commentators have cited the three As.

I am presenting another set of scoundrels (three Ss and combined with the above list they become three ASses) as equally guilty of devastating the Land of the Pure:

1. Shaitaan (Satan)

2. Stupid, self-serving, sycophantic, stooges, bureaucrats and politicians (so-called Establishment, along with the Army)

3. Saudi Arabia (root of much evil, in more ways than you will be willing to acknowledge)

Now if we were to combine the two lists, what might the ranking be? I submit the following:

1. Al Llah (for having created the rest on the list)

2. Army (for thinking they can manage Al Llah, America, Taliban, Saudis, India, and Shaitaan)

3. America (for thinking they can manage the Army)

4. Saudi Arabia (for thinking they can hoodwink Al Llah, the Army, and America while consolidating their tenuous grip on Black Gold and the riches it brings forth for an exalted few by spreading Wahaabism, a fascistic version of Islam)

5. Stupid, self-serving, sycophantic, stooges, bureaucrats and politicians who are perfectly satisfied with kissing up to the above four in exchange for fattening their offshore bank accounts and onshore ASSets

6. Shaitaan (he/she merely smiles, feels insecure and powerless, thinking that credit for the mayhem is going elsewhere; however, when all is said and done, he's /she's winning - not Al Llah, not the rest)

So what do we do?

It is quite simple, really. And this time the list will be in an order where the easier tasks will be first so we can measurably see progress.

1. Stop believing in Shaitaan.

That will REALLY depress him (or her) since he's (or she's) the only one who doesn't seem to be in control. But, mere suspension of disbelief will be inadequate. Believe that you are Shaitaan since you are contributing to the mess rather than sorting it out.

2. Adopt the Swiss model; i.e., disband the Armed Forces.

This can be easily achieved by creating a media campaign (with outside hired help - preferably, from Madison Avenue so US dollars can be more effectively spent to further both Pakistan and America's economies).

The campaign must begin with televising, on prime time, the failures of 1948, 1965, 1971, 1999, etc. Highlight should be the capitulation of 90,000 jawans and braves in 1971 (sort of a mid-point in our history).

Additionally, the Army braves - especially senior officers - must be guaranteed their due share of lavish land grants so they always have a piece of Pakistan to protect.

NOTE: There will be recalcitrant troops that won't want to give up. No problem. We can hire some Taliban to neutralize the resistance.

3. Ban all interactions with the Saudis, including restrictions on Umrah and Haj.

Anyone caught supporting their version of Islam ought to be immediately beheaded - like Daniel Pearl, with a video that ought to be played on national television every 15 minutes. And Takfiris should not be spared, no matter where they are. Stone them to death.

4. Create a stimulus package for bureaucrats, politicians, mullahs, and retired army brass.

For every dirty (but verifiable) secret they reveal of others, an untraceable deposit of $100,000 or equivalent (currency and bank of their choice) deposited in their name.

No minimum or maximum thresholds around secrets; otherwise, they'll get nervous if payoffs are conditional.

This may be expensive but will certainly deliver value in the long run.

My estimate is that the first package will cost roughly $160 or $170 billion dollars (What??!!?? they'll say, can't spend a buck per citizen!! - if it's anything less).

5. Convince Obama, Clinton, and Biden

that an initial outlay of about $200 billion will deliver more to fix all that's wrong with this world.

6. Al Llah, Beneficent and Merciful as HE is, will be completely satisfied

with the loss of control since he can always press the Replay button and revert to the way things were, are, and may well be. He, no doubt, toys with the notion: What if I had not been biased towards that one ape that was different, the one I turned into a humanoid? But then, He (probably) strokes his beard, smiles and thinks that he can fix that in a jiffy, turning humanoids into apes. Sort of, Back to the Future.

Thoughts?

- A Consultant, Giving Advice When None Is Desired Nor Taken

Zardari the Don

Asif Ali Zardari is in the spotlight again but this time as a "leader" instead of as a jailbird. It wasn't too long ago, when Benazir Bhutto was alive, that Zardari was very much in the background, a calculated and deliberate move on the part of the late BB. Comfortably ensconced in an Upper East Side Manhattan flat, he was a non-player on the Pakistani political scene.

The death of Benazir Bhutto has been a god-sent gift for Zardari. He has not only emerged in the foreground but is the center of gravity in Pakistani politics.

Zardari was accused, and continues to be by the family of Murtaza Bhutto, of eliminating Murtaza since he was perceived to be a threat to Benazir. Given his checkered past, no one can put anything past Zardari, the erstwhile playboy. Questions will always remain regarding his role in Murtaza's death.

Interestingly, however, is a notion that is circulating regarding his role in Benazir's demise. Given the fact that the chief security officer responsible for Benazir, Shehenshah, is a very close and loyal friend of Zardari, and given Shehenshah's reputation which is closer to a mafiosi's than a law-enforcer's, a conspiracy theory is not entirely without foundation.

After all, the biggest beneficiary from Benazir's death, no doubt, is Zardari. He is in the driver's seat like he could not possibly imagine while Benazir was alive. Not to mention the riches accumulated and inherited by Bhutto fall under his care now.

In Pakistan, anything's possible. What do you think?

A Sticky Wicket

The Aussies have been terrorized into cancelling (postponing?) the tour to Pakistan which was scheduled for this month. This, of course, isn't the first time a cricketing nation has refused to tour Pakistan. And given the ground realities of suicide bombings and the like that have become virtually a daily nuisance, who's to say the Aussies are unjustified. For the majority of hapless Pakistani cricket fans, this is another in a line of insults and frustrations.

Is it a coincidence that since Bush's War on Terror the standard of Pakistani cricket has declined? that Pakistan now ranks 6th and 5th in Test and ODI playing countries, respectively? that the Test batsmen rankings only have Mohammed Yousuf and Younis Khan in the top 20 and the next ranked Pakistani player, Misbah-ul-Haq, ranks 27th? that Yousuf is the only Pakistani in the ODI batting rankings within the top 20, with Shoaib Malik as the next best ranked 24th? that no Pakistani bowler ranks within the top 20 in ODIs, with Afridi leading the pack at 21st? that in Test bowling rankings, though 3 players show up in the top 20, only one, Kaneria, has been active (Shoaib Akhtar and Asif not having played for a while)?

And this in a country which has fared exceptionally well in the U-19 World Cups the last three times around, in particular. What happens to the heroes when they turn 20 and above? Clearly, the Pakistan Cricket Board (PCB) has much to answer for the malaise in Pakistani cricket, including the routine cancellation of tours by non-Asian and non-African countries and the refusal of India for touring Pakistan, in lieu of the Aussies, this month.

Dr. Ashraf, the PCB chief, needs a bit of introspection and must stop from the ostrich-like habit which seems to be the current mindframe of the ruling class which is seeing the sun set on its glory days. A major re-think is required to alter the momentum and direction of Pakistan cricket. Pakistan, at the moment, is a "has-been" of international cricket and is visibly declining. The players on central contracts seem to be doing well but commitment from them, as demonstrated on the field, has been questionable, at best.

The top guns of yesteryears should be availed of, intricately woven into the fabric of the cricket infrastructure in Pakistan. Where are iconic greats such as Miandad, Wasim Akram, Waqar Younis, Zaheer Abbas, Saqlain Mushtaq, Abdul Qadir, Inzamam? (I omit Imran due to his political preferences but would not hesitate to bring Salim Malik back.)

Is Pakistan cricket on a decline? If so, what are recommended courses to take?

Have your say.

Pakistani Pols - What Games This Time?

Much to most Pakistani pundits' surprise, Elections 2008 produced results that, by and large, seemed free and fair. Credit to Musharraf and co., perhaps. Then again, they may well have been too sheltered from the ground realities to think that PML-N, in particular, would emerge as strong as it did, albeit in Punjab only.

Now the National and Provincial Assemblies have been asked to convene next week on the 17th of March. A showdown between Musharraf and his cronies is inevitable, given the recent handshakes and alliances between the PPP, PML-N, ANP, as well as the religion-toting but opportunistic JUI.

Nawaz Sharif, in particular, is in an ebullient mood and it's apparent that he cannot wait to exact revenge from the General who sent him into exile (of course, the Sharifs voluntarily accepted that fate since Nehari just wouldn't taste the same in an Attock or Karachi jail!).

Zardari, on the other hand, benefitting from the untimely death of Benazir, is keen on emerging as the top gun for some time to come. He is deftly playing the game of musical chairs even before the music has begun. The Prime Ministership awaits him, should he choose the seat for himself. There are pros and cons of going after the seat. Staying in the background as the puppet master has certain advantages, not the least of which is furthering his fortune which, clearly, was not amassed by premiering films at Bambino Theatre.

Then there are the lawyers (black coats) who are obsessed with one thing and one thing alone: Restoration of the deposed judges, equating that with establishment of an independent judiciary. Aitzaz Ahsan, the Cambridge Chaudhry, is in the forefront. Mr. Ahsan, unfortunately, had not sharpened his legalistic mind sufficiently when the now deposed Chief Justice Chaudhry Iftikhar was taking oath under an earlier Provisional Constitutional Order (PCO) under, no less, General Musharraf. Had he the maturity of purpose then that he now exhibits, he would, no doubt, have thrown himself under some bus as a form of protest.

The lawyers' movement was led ably and with integrity by Muneer Malik, former president of the Supreme Court Bar Association when it first came into being. (Knowing Mr. Malik personally, I am comfortable attesting to his integrity - he assured me then, in an email, that what we were witnessing was a "defining moment" for Pakistan). The Cambridge Chaudhry took over it once it gelled. Time will tell what his real motivations are. Anyone who claims undying loyalty and devotion to the PPP, on the one hand, and claim gushing praise from Nawaz Sharif, on the other, inspires the skeptic in me (I haven't gotten cynical yet, miraculous as it may seem given the historically raunchy and tragic political landscape of Pakistan). The roly-poly, hair transplanted Sharif even proposed the Cambridge Chaudhry for the PM slot.

Sad as it is to be discussing players and personalities that are nothing but retreads, it is equally sad to admit that they may offer better prospects for Pakistan's future today then others such as Imran Khan (unfathomably attached to the likes of Qazi Hussain of the JI) or the likes of Fazlur Rahman. Beware, I say, of rotund politicos in impoverished, terrorized countries that are obviously too well fed (Fazlur Rahman, Sharif, in Pakistan and Muqtada Sadr in Iraq). And doubly beware of those that use religion for self-aggrandizement and for bankrupting further the already largely uneducated minds of the masses.

When Musharraf came to power I, like most Pakistanis, was hopeful that a new order would take shape, where the masses would be looked after first and foremost as opposed to the tyrannical and exploitative vested interests (feudals, mullahs, bureaucrats, military). There was no real basis to believe that, of course, other than the fact that all post-1971 civilian governments of Bhutto, Sharif, and Bhutto had left quite a sickening taste in one's mouth.

Musharraf squandered the moment and the potential he had after the Twin Towers had collapsed. He became a changed man, lionized in his own mind by the opportunity of milking the Sacred Cow, America, venerated by some and slaughtered by most. He must have read Machiavelli's Prince but not well enough, apparently. He believed that he could rein in the radical Islamists at will and could manipulate them as the situation demanded. He was wrong and fatally so for the thousands of Pakistani innocents that have lost their lives to pigheaded, Wahabiism-inspired "Muslims" hell-bent on riding the suicide train.

Democracy and all it represents is all well and good but if a military man rules then he should rule with an iron fist. That is where Musharraf went wrong. He should have made an example of a half dozen prominent mullahs (Qazi, Fazlur, et al) where, if they survived, they would weigh far less than they do now.

The opportunity for Musharraf has slipped away. Now the onus is upon the retreads. Which way Pakistan? Your guess is as good as mine. Pray tell.