Panacea for Pakistan

My head imploded last night when I received a call from my dear cousin in the boonies outside of Toronto. Sri Lankan cricketers were attacked in Lahore.

Religion is literally destroying Pakistan and Pakistanis. The ever-increasing evidence that Pakistan is falling in the hands of zealots is akin to Germany falling in the hands of fascist Nazis.

Pakistan is rapidly becoming a country being overrun by zealots and imbecile politicians. The latter will soon be run over by the former.

Let's perform a root cause analysis.

Responsibility lies with, in the following order:

1. Allah
2. Army
3. America

Now you might say that this is highly unoriginal and it is. Numerous writers and commentators have cited the three As.

I am presenting another set of scoundrels (three Ss and combined with the above list they become three ASses) as equally guilty of devastating the Land of the Pure:

1. Shaitaan (Satan)

2. Stupid, self-serving, sycophantic, stooges, bureaucrats and politicians (so-called Establishment, along with the Army)

3. Saudi Arabia (root of much evil, in more ways than you will be willing to acknowledge)

Now if we were to combine the two lists, what might the ranking be? I submit the following:

1. Al Llah (for having created the rest on the list)

2. Army (for thinking they can manage Al Llah, America, Taliban, Saudis, India, and Shaitaan)

3. America (for thinking they can manage the Army)

4. Saudi Arabia (for thinking they can hoodwink Al Llah, the Army, and America while consolidating their tenuous grip on Black Gold and the riches it brings forth for an exalted few by spreading Wahaabism, a fascistic version of Islam)

5. Stupid, self-serving, sycophantic, stooges, bureaucrats and politicians who are perfectly satisfied with kissing up to the above four in exchange for fattening their offshore bank accounts and onshore ASSets

6. Shaitaan (he/she merely smiles, feels insecure and powerless, thinking that credit for the mayhem is going elsewhere; however, when all is said and done, he's /she's winning - not Al Llah, not the rest)

So what do we do?

It is quite simple, really. And this time the list will be in an order where the easier tasks will be first so we can measurably see progress.

1. Stop believing in Shaitaan.

That will REALLY depress him (or her) since he's (or she's) the only one who doesn't seem to be in control. But, mere suspension of disbelief will be inadequate. Believe that you are Shaitaan since you are contributing to the mess rather than sorting it out.

2. Adopt the Swiss model; i.e., disband the Armed Forces.

This can be easily achieved by creating a media campaign (with outside hired help - preferably, from Madison Avenue so US dollars can be more effectively spent to further both Pakistan and America's economies).

The campaign must begin with televising, on prime time, the failures of 1948, 1965, 1971, 1999, etc. Highlight should be the capitulation of 90,000 jawans and braves in 1971 (sort of a mid-point in our history).

Additionally, the Army braves - especially senior officers - must be guaranteed their due share of lavish land grants so they always have a piece of Pakistan to protect.

NOTE: There will be recalcitrant troops that won't want to give up. No problem. We can hire some Taliban to neutralize the resistance.

3. Ban all interactions with the Saudis, including restrictions on Umrah and Haj.

Anyone caught supporting their version of Islam ought to be immediately beheaded - like Daniel Pearl, with a video that ought to be played on national television every 15 minutes. And Takfiris should not be spared, no matter where they are. Stone them to death.

4. Create a stimulus package for bureaucrats, politicians, mullahs, and retired army brass.

For every dirty (but verifiable) secret they reveal of others, an untraceable deposit of $100,000 or equivalent (currency and bank of their choice) deposited in their name.

No minimum or maximum thresholds around secrets; otherwise, they'll get nervous if payoffs are conditional.

This may be expensive but will certainly deliver value in the long run.

My estimate is that the first package will cost roughly $160 or $170 billion dollars (What??!!?? they'll say, can't spend a buck per citizen!! - if it's anything less).

5. Convince Obama, Clinton, and Biden

that an initial outlay of about $200 billion will deliver more to fix all that's wrong with this world.

6. Al Llah, Beneficent and Merciful as HE is, will be completely satisfied

with the loss of control since he can always press the Replay button and revert to the way things were, are, and may well be. He, no doubt, toys with the notion: What if I had not been biased towards that one ape that was different, the one I turned into a humanoid? But then, He (probably) strokes his beard, smiles and thinks that he can fix that in a jiffy, turning humanoids into apes. Sort of, Back to the Future.

Thoughts?

- A Consultant, Giving Advice When None Is Desired Nor Taken